Have You Ever?

     Have you ever just sat and talked to God as if He was next to you or across from you and you poured out your soul to him? Have you cried continuously why doing so? It is cathartic.  When I was sick, I slept a lot during the day and couldn't sleep at night and one night I just went over all the ways I had sinned in my life from the time I was a little girl, and I  relived all the times I was afraid, and all the times I was a mean person to someone else, and I asked God to forgive me for all that I did that was bad and to help me forgive myself. I asked questions about why I did the things I did, what made me do them, what prompted me to hurt someone, what made me afraid, why was I so selfish and self-centered, only thinking about me and what would happen to me. Why was I so foolish at times when I was with someone else. Why was I curious about things I shouldn't have been curious about. Why wasn't I told that some things were not to be done or said and why didn't someone help me to understand what my feelings were about things that made me curious or if they were going to turn out bad for me if I went through with it. Why did I debase myself trying to make people like me? Why did  co-workers treat me mean? What did they see in me that made them want to hurt me? Life is hard, life is dangerous. Sin hurts. Sin scares me to death now that I know what it is and what it leads to. Why couldn't I have been a child of God, godly and sinless, growing up? My imagination scared me when I did wrong, and I knew it was wrong, and I knew I was in trouble with my parents. But why wasn't I told about the way of life/sin when a boy sees a girl with lust in his eyes.  Why didn't I learn from my mistakes? Why did I repeat them over and over? The same ending every time, never any different. Why wasn't I protected from myself? WHY? never gets fully answered.  I am still wondering why today I wasn't a better child, a better daughter, a better wife, a better friend, a better mother, a better co-worker, a better Christian?

Forgiveness is essential to the soul. Without it, we are unsettled, agonizing over everything we do, is this right, or is this wrong, or does it matter? The human body/spirit is basically alone most of the time, until you realize you need Jesus in your life to keep you on that narrow path that leads to God. Following the crowd only gets you into trouble in so many ways. Sometimes you rebel and want to go a different way and you do for a short period of time, but then your spirit awakes to what you are doing and it rebels against you and makes you feel really bad, sorrowful that you have strayed from God's love for you. And you ask forgiveness and return to God.

Now, those who don't know God and don't want to know God have no remorse for what they do, it doesn't bother them in the least that what they did has hurt someone or destroyed something of someone else's, they think only of what they want and how they feel about it. Christians cannot understand how those can live their life in that way.  Christians think everyone has the ability to know God and will want to know Him for their salvation, but that is not always true for some who are so in love with themselves, they are Satan's followers. Satan's followers don't even like their fellow satanists, they don't know how to like anything, except themselves. Satan likes his people to be that way as it shows they will follow him instead of being tempted by good people, and good things. They have lost the ability to love even though they were a part of God's creation, they deny any knowledge of Him because they don't want to be a good person who does good things for others while denying themselves of the same in order to fulfill Christ's law. To love one another and do good for one another.  But there is always hope even for those who are so far away from Christ. We hope they will change before it is too late for them. We pray for them.